Wait...Did That Really Just Happen?!?

Honk Honk!!!

Ok, so anyone who knows me should realize that I don’t have the best of luck when it comes to cars.  Bascially, I can identify what’s wrong by having experienced it before.  For example, I know when my brakes are done when it sounds like grinding metal.  And I know what a rotor looks like because I have blown one or two before.  And, of course, we’ve all blown holes in an engine because we didn’t change the oil often enough…right?  Right?  No?  Crickets?  Ok…well, maybe that’s just me. 

The car I am currently driving has been dubbed “the porsche” by one of my dear dear friends.  And no, it is NOT a porsche…not even close.  I think the only thing that could even come close is that it has windows and wheels.  But how I do love this car, even with the missing side mirror and unknown mileage.  However, I do miss having a horn.  Trust me, it’s not like it fell off or I misplaced it…the little beep beep had to be disconnected.  Here’s the story…

So working in retail during the holidays is not the greatest of times.  I was leaving work one night after a fairly brutal day and was just ready to be home and not deal with people.  Normal, right?  So, I am driving along the highway, switching lanes and getting on to the appropriate roads.  Well, here where I live, two highways kinda cross each other and I was going on the on ramp to the highway I needed.  Then, some little white car zooms in front of me and cuts me off!  Ugh…I was not in the mood.  Naturally, I laid into this car with my horn, hoping to get my point across.  Boy, did I.

My horn refuses to turn off.  And it’s incredibly loud.  I am sufficiently embarassed, pull over to the side of the road and turn my car off, thinking this will cause the horn to turn off and reset itself.  Not so much.  Even with my car turned off, the horn is still going as loud as can be.  So, I sit there and think, horn blaring, and decide to keep driving.  Luckily, the exit I needed to get off on was about 50 feet away.  So I go ahead and take it, horn still going.

Now I am driving down two of the most dangerous roads in my city.  And, of course, EVERYBODY is staring at me as I drive.  Remember how I said I was embarassed before?  Change that to mortified.  But, I putted along down to a local auto repair store that was thankfully open still.  So I park, walk inside (mind you the horn is STILL going) and find someone who works there.  I then tell them “somebody needs to fix that!”

This place had a garage attached to the back of it, so we pull my car around and they get under it and disconnect the horn.  Oh!  I forgot…on my drive to this place I basically tear apart my steering wheel trying to find the censor for the horn…and now have a wheel that is still flapping open.  I am so lucky the air bags didn’t deploy…geez!

So yeah…some nice citizen cuts me off, my horn won’t turn off, driving down a dangerous street, end up with a disconnected horn.  That’s the cliff notes of this story.  And let me just tell you…it’s annoying not having a horn.  I think I am going to invest in an air horn…that could be fun!

Why, you may ask?  Well, this little goldmine of dancing just makes me laugh.  He is so unlikely but is still kind of amazing.  Plus, if I was in this studio, I would be asking myself if that really just happened…I mean, c’mon!  Totally unexpected!

Adventures in Dorm Living

*All the names in this story have been changed to protect those involved.  I did that out of respect for my friends…and if you know who it was, then good for you.  If not, then believe me, this is real…I’ve told you, I can’t make these people and facts up even on my best day!*

So, living in dorms can be very interesting.  Especially if you went to college where I did.  Even without living in all the different halls, eventually, everyone gets into each and every place on campus that has a bed.  Needless to say, when this story was told to me, it wasn’t hard at all picturing it since I have been in this dorm many times.

Ok…and go.  My friend Lisa (remember, this is not actually her name) was hanging out in one of the dorms with a guy she had known since high school.  And, at the time, they were both not able to go out to the local bar scene, so the next best thing was to get some Captain Morgan and go to town in the dorm room.  Don’t be shocked folks…we all know that underage drinking happens in the dorms…deal with it.

Well, by the time the bottle was done, so were they.  And, being that Lisa and this boy had been friends or whatever since high school, of course they were going to be flirty.  And, of course, flirty turns into sexy time (and let me just say sexy time is not a home run…some girls do have morals, after all!).  Let’s face it…a bottle of the Captain plus high school romance almost always seems to turn into some sort of sexy time.  So, Lisa and the boy decide to take this to a different locale…aka, the top bunk bed in the room.

Now, if you have ever been in a dorm, you know that they are not the largest of spaces.  In my freshman dorm, I couldn’t turn around without falling over a piece of furniture.  But in this room that Lisa was in, they had room for a couch since the beds were bunked.  But, honestly, it was still tight quarters…especially when you factor in one of the boy’s friends crashing on the couch that night.

Ok…we’ve got an empty bottle of Captain, high school romance, sexy time, and a couch crasher…still with me?  Good. 

Lisa and the boy have since finished sexy time.  Time to go to bed.  Except when you have helped finish off a bottle of Captain, it is inevitable that nature will have to call.  That is just the name of that game.  So, Lisa needed to take a personal minute…but she ran in to some problems. 

First, she was on the top bunk with the boy.  It is not the safest thing to try and scale down to the ground when you are schwasted.  Second, Lisa could not find her clothes.  Again, that is the risk you take to get a little sexy time.  So, being the trooper that she is, Lisa decides to scale down the side of the bunk bed in the buff.  YOU GO GIRL!

However, as usual, this plan had a little kink in the chain.  On her way down, Lisa could not really get the depth perception correct.  And being schwasted, that is not a good thing.  So, there is Lisa, hanging from the top bunk, trying to find something to ladder down to the ground.  Now, the boy’s roommate was sleeping on the bottom bunk…supposedly.  At least his eyes were closed like a good gentleman should do when all of this is going down.

Finally, Lisa gets down and turns to go to the bathroom.  And as she turns around, she meets the eyes of the couch crasher.  In her drunken haze, Lisa scurries off to the bathroom and tries to push it out of her mind that couch crasher saw all of this.  And upon her return, of course she meets his gaze again.  Which, of course, is SUPER CREEPY.  And it wasn’t a slightly closed eye gaze…full on whites of the eyes were seen.  Yeah…super creepy.  Somehow, Lisa gets back up and just passes out.  She deserved a good sleep after all of that.

After hearing this story, I have a new respect for Lisa.  I told her she may be my new hero.  And then, to top it off, she gives me this little golden nugget of info…that’s only one of the crazy things she has done in dorms.  Once, she was living on the 5th floor of a hall and her roommate made a rope ladder out of sheets and used assorted rock climbing gear to sneak a guy into their room. 

Now that story definitely solidified her position as my new hero!  Oh, Lisa…I hope you have some more material for me in the future!

*again, the names used in this store are NOT REAL!  C’mon, she’s my new hero…gotta protect her identity!*

Forgetting the Power of Speech

Well, for some reason today, I keep thinking about what it would be like if I actually had the chance to meet and talk to anyone I consider to be a celebrity.

I have this strange feeling that no matter who it is, I would forget that I actually am a very well-spoken individual and instead turn into a mute.  Why do you think this?  Well, in the past, I have had it happen to me before.  Maybe not full-on mute, but pretty damn close.  Basically, I made myself sound and feel pretty issued.

So, when I was living in Charlotte years ago, my favorite morning show was with Brotha Fred.  And no, that is not a spelling error…he really spelled his name that way.  And, he was not a typical “brotha”.  Fred was a tall, cute white kid.  Not a huge celebrity, but still…everyone in Charlotte knew him because of his radio show and his little segment on the news at night. 

So…scenario.  I was working at one of my thrilling retail establishments, doing mundane morning tasks.  It was very slow and I was just walking through my department, making notes.  And then, SNEAK ATTACK!  Brotha Fred walks straight down one of the aisles towards me.  I freeze.  My mind was screaming awesome things to say, but all I could verbalize was “Can I help you find something?”  Lame, right?

He stops and looks at me, smiles (*swoon!*) and says no.  I want to say something else, but I can’t.  The words just won’t form.  As he turns to walk away, it’s like my brain drop kicks my mouth in the gut and I push out this winning phrase…”I love your show!”  Again…LLLLLAAAAAMMMMMEEEEE!

Again, he turns around, stops and smiles and says thanks.  And then he walks away, leaving me feel like a complete idiot and thinking…Wait, Did That Really Just Happen?!?  But, I guess in retrospect, I could have said worse things.  But, I still feel like I could have said better.  Oh well…maybe the next time I meet a celebrity (or at least a celebrity to me), I will be better prepared.  But…probably not.

Is Your Christmas Tree Moving?

So, remember when I said I have extremely colorful friends full of fun stories?  Well, the other night, in between watching the Carolina baseball game, a bunch of us started just chatting about the “old days”.  Now, we have all known each other for at least 11 years, so we have got a lot of material, which hopefully I can share on here!

So, anyways…I don’t know how we got on the subject, but someone started talking about my friend C and her moving Christmas tree.  And no, it wasn’t one of those lame ass spinning trees.  Those I do not understand.  Like, why do you need it to spin?  Me, I just kinda decorate as much as my eyes can see from any possible angle, which inevitably leaves a bare strip down the back of my tree.  Huh…kinda like a hospital gown.  New term!  I am hospital gowning my tree this coming year.

Whoa…got off subject…whoopsies!  Ok…C’s moving Christmas tree….and, GO!

So, years ago, C and her roommates went out and bought a Christmas tree to get all hyped for the holidays.  But, for some reason that I don’t really know, they left it out on the front porch of their house for a few days.  Normal thing to do, right?  I guess so…ever since I have been living on my own I have gotten fake trees…less hassle.

Anyways, they finally put it up and decorated it with brand new lights and ornaments and all the fun-loving holiday cheer you can imagine.  It was a pretty tree.  I wonder if they named him…I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.

Fast forward to New Year’s Eve.  If you know my friends, holidays like this usually involve a marathon of libation intake.  Because really, you can’t drink all day unless you start in the morning, right?  So, it was sometime on NYE when this lovely discovery was made.

After one of the front porch smoke breaks, everyone was just hanging out inside when someone asked C, and I quote, “Is your tree moving?”  Everyone stops, turns and looks at the tree.  C gets closer and notices that thousands of baby spiders have hatched in her Christmas tree and had spun webs and were running all kinds of crazy up in there.  HELL TO THE NAH!!!!!

Somehow, C convinces our friend A to put trash bags on his arms and carry the tree out to the curb.  He does so, ornaments and lights and lights still on it.  And, to direct quote C, “We lit that bitch on fire….lights, ornaments, everything!”

But no, that wasn’t the end of the moving Christmas tree.  Someone decides to grab the garden hose and spray down the grass by the curb over and over.  Why, might you ask?  Well, normal minds would say so the flames from the tree wouldn’t hop on to the grass and set the lawn on fire.  Yeah, that would have been smart.  However, throw in hours of copious drinking and you get my friends and their logic.  The water was being used so that the spiders would not crawl up the lawn and back into the house.  Screw setting the lawn on fire…they didn’t want spiders back in the house.

Since that year, I don’t think C has ever had a real Christmas tree.  And if she has, I know she has thoroughly inspected that bitch for spiders and any other form of life that could live in it.

So, moral of the story…if you live in SC, don’t leave your real Christmas trees outside for too long.  Otherwise, you could experience the elusive moving spider tree.

So yeah, in the spirit of this blog and the fact that my South Carolina Gamecocks are playing in the College World Series tonight against Arkansas….I had to post this.  It was from Saturday night’s game against Florida.  Evan Marzilli is a beast. Beast, I tell you…BEAST. 

Enjoy…GOOOOOOOOO COCKS!!!!!!!!!!  Fear the Fish!!!!!!!

And, ask yourself…Wait…Did That Really Just Happen?!?

Didn’t Prank Calls Go Out in the Early 90’s?

Since this month is my big 10 year anniversary with working in the wonderful world of retail, I thought I would share a story from my bag o’ tricks.

When I was in college, I worked as an operator for a very large store in a chain of large stores.  I think that was vague enough.  Anyways, my responsibilities included answering and directing calls, cleaning the fitting rooms, and doing PA announcements (the worst thing, by the way…actually have another story on that, later). 

So, on a rather quiet night, I was just sitting at the desk, waiting for anything to happen.  And then one of the best phone calls of my life happened.  If it had a transcript, it would go like this…

Me: Thank you for calling (place that shall not be named), this is Megan, how may I help you?

Random Guy: Hello.

Me: Hello.

Random Guy: Hey.

Me: Hey.

Random Guy: So, do you sell women’s clothing there?

Me: Yes, sir, we do.  Can I help you find anything in particular?

Random Guy: Like, women’s clothing that men could wear?

Me: (long pause) I mean, we carry juniors through plus size, so I guess guys could wear them.

Random Guy: So, like, I could come in there and find clothes for me to wear?

Me: (another long pause, this time to prevent myself from laughing) Yes, sir, I am sure we have something you could wear.

Random Guy: And could I try them on in there?

Me: Um, I guess so.  We have fitting rooms, so I guess so.

Random Guy: Thanks!

And the call ended.  I chalked it up to strange people just living life.  And don’t get me wrong…I love strange people.  But this guy just caught me completely off guard. 

So, I go about folding shirts or something chatting with another employee who has come over about what just happened.  Then the phone rings.  IT IS THE SAME GUY.  But this time, with a better request.

Me: Thank you for calling (place that shall not be named), this is Megan, how may I help you?

Random Guy: Hello.  I just called and talked to you about women’s clothes for men

Me: Oh.  Hello.

Random Guy: So, what about shoes?  Can a guy wear the women’s shoes?

Me: I guess so.  Depends on what shoe size you wear.

Random Guy: So if I were to come in there and try on an outfit, I could try shoes, too?

Me: Yes, sir.

Random Guy: Awesome! Thanks!

Me: You’re welcome.

At this point, I was getting a little suspect about this.  But, alas, I have heard and seen a lot, so I just let it go.  But the next call, which of course was him again, really threw me for a loop.

Me: Thank you for calling (place that shall not be named), this is Megan, how may I help you?

Random Guy: I just called about trying on women’s clothes and shoes.

Me: Yes, sir.  What can I help you with?

Random Guy: So, after I try on the outfit and the shoes, I have a question for you.

Me: Ohhh kayyyy.

Random Guy: Would you be willing to parade me around the store in my new outfit?

Me: EXCUSE ME?!?

Random Guy: I want to try being a drag queen.  I want you to parade me around so I can show off in public.

*at this point, I have lost the ability to speak.  Like, you know that painting, The Scream?  Yeah, that’s my face.  Total Macaulay Culkin face.  I finally find my words…*

Me: Um, sir, I don’t think that I can do that.  I mean, if you want to, by all means, go for it.  But I can’t do that while on the clock.

Random Guy: Well, will you at least tell me if the outfit looks shitty on me?

Me: Absolutely.  Have a good night, um, sir.

My first thoughts was that one of my co-workers was screwing with me.  But after asking around for a few days to the usual suspects, not a soul said it was them.  They all, however, thought it was awesome and wondered what happened. 

Sadly, I do not know.  I never saw him take his pride walk, if he ever did.  And if it was all just a big prank call, then kudos to you, man.  You caught me….and that takes a lot to get me.

So, in the end, I have to say…..Wait, Did That Really Just Happen?!?

Let’s Try This All Out…

Hello blogging world.  My name is Megan, and I have often thought about being a blogger.  So, why not now?

I have often thought…what could I talk about that would be interesting?  Or really, what could I talk about that basically I wouldn’t mind reading over and over again?  I’ve got to be honest…I don’t really see this thing going huge in the public eye, so I wanted to do something to document funny stories from my life thus far.

In the almost 30 years I have been on this planet, I have managed to surround myself with a colorful group of friends and my oh-so-crazy-but-loving family.  And let me tell you, this lively bunch has kept me laughing in the moment and for years to follow.

So, why not write a blog about some of the situations we have been in?  I believe that people are indeed great storytellers, so this will be my great collection of stories.  Plus, I really just wanted a tangible place for these tales so I can look back and smile in my senior years.

And, I just don’t have amazing friends and family stories.  I have spent the past 10 years of my life working in various forms of retail stores, so I have pretty much met just about every kind of customer out there.  So, basically, from time to time, I want to throw in funny things that have happened while working at these places.  But don’t worry, I will not actually name said establishments…I’ll figure out how to do that later.

So, sit back and enjoy the stories that seem to make up the quilt of my life!